So, in today’s post, all you skinny people get a little glimpse into the brain of an obese person. (Brace yourself, this can be a scary place to be!) And my fellow fat people get to say, “Yep, that’s how we think. Told you it’s a F@#&$*^ disease!!”
I weighed-in this morning at 366.4 #. Down 14.6# in 5 weeks. Normal people would find something to celebrate in that. Of course, we know that anyone weighing 366 or 381 or 404 pounds (more on that later) isn’t exactly normal.
My immediate, visceral reaction to losing ONLY a pound, is why the hell am I doing this and get me two sausage, egg, and cheese McMuffins! STAT!!
Michelle may comment on this later, but she was with me this morning at the weigh-in and I am sure she could see the disappointment on my face. She even commented that 15# in 5 weeks was 3# a week; twice my needed 1.5# to meet my goal. But in my head I was thinking, “Yep, here we go again. The first month is always easy. The pounds always melt off me in the first month. Then it slows down. Then it stops. And then I start packing back on the pounds so fast I go roaring by the place I started at in half the time it took me to lose it in the first place. Why did I ever think I could do this? Just another crushing defeat that in the long run will actually make me less healthy than I was when I started, because I will gain back more than I lost in the first place. I am such a jerk. Since failure is inevitable, time to enjoy a Double Quarter Pound Cheeseburger Value Meal with a Large Fry and Large Non-Diet Coke. Oh and a 20 piece Chicken McNuggets for dessert. Oh and a King-Size Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup from Kwik Trip…for just a little treat.”
Told you it wasn’t a pretty place to be. Then I went into my office and got ready for the day. made my oatmeal and fruit and went to work. An hour later, looking at my uneaten oatmeal, that I had started 10 times only to quit and think “hmmm…dounuts,” I went to a meeting. Where one of the examples put up for discussion was about how Wikipedia says 8% of Americans eat at McDonald’s every day. Really? Are you kidding me? Now I am starting to think about how the universe is conspiring against me.
The conversation about that was about the MATH of it, but that didn’t stop us from talking about the specifics of eating at McDonald’s every day. Which led me to this reminiscence: In the spring of 2009, I was living on my own in Rice Lake. Michelle was in New Orleans, finishing up her internship at Tulane Medical School, and for a time, I ate three meals a day, everyday, at fast food restaurants. Breakfast at Burger King, Lunch at Culver’s, McDonald’s, or KFC, followed by Dinner at Culver’s, McDonald’s, Arby’s or Taco John’s. Michelle moved home on August 21st, 2009. That day I weighed 404 pounds; my all-time high.
As I thought about that today, it actually is what started to bring me around. Here’s how it went: In August 2009, I weighed 404. When Michelle came home, I dropped down to 374. I went back up, but never got back above 387. So I have lost weight and then gained some, without going past my all-time fattest. So even if my weight-loss has slowed, I might not be a lost cause.
At that point, I ate my green chicken chili lunch, didn’t go to McDonald’s or Kwik Trip, passed on the afternoon popcorn or pretzels snack, and came home and pounded out a 48-minute, 3.3 mile walk instead. Looks like I am going to hang in there for another week, at least.
Week #5 = Weight 366.4; Total Lost 14.6; starting BMI 48.4; Current BMI 46.5.
Hang in there!